I used to be a bully. From ages 7-10 years old. Many people would find that shocking, but it is the truths of the others I bullied. I went through a horrible 3 years after my parents divorced and I took it out on others. I am not sure what all of my actions were because I have a foggy memory of anytime before I was 10 years old. However, I do remember these vital moments/people in my life that helped me transform my hurt, angry feelings into love, connection, and art. Into me being a better Tanille.

My teachers and principal believed that I was worthy of love and attention even when I was struggling and bullying others. Particularly Miss White who helped me immerse myself into reading, performing, crafting, and mentoring others in math (because I was REALLY into math). Her attention helped. Her belief in me as a worthy human despite my confused harm helped me.

My bestie Sharri has been through every bump and heartache I have gone through. Even when I was rude to her, or her other friends, she still was friends with me. She has nourished me for over 25 years now. She helped me to heal in so many ways and feel loved in so many ways.

When I first received this love from outside/others, I started to see the hurt feelings of little Tanille inside. It is from their love and commitment to me, I was able to start doing vital self work. When I was 10 I started putting myself in to counselling. When I was 9 I applied for a creative arts centre for my middle school years. In my teens I said no to drugs/drinking because I knew that those substances would not foster a love for me that I was looking for. When I was 14 I started meditating and doing yoga inspired by my teacher Trish. I started working as much as I could when I was 13 so I could provide a sense of accomplishment for myself. When I was 12 I stopped reading Cosmo or any media that made me feel hate towards myself. I volunteered in every club I could be a part of grades 7-12 so I could contribute to community. I went to youth group and took adult confirmation and communion classes so I could feel closer to the catholic side of my family. I did all of this incredible connected work inside and outside because people outside of me held me in my humility, hurt, anger. They saw past my shitty behaviours.

I am a person who has harmed. I am a person who has been harmed immensely as well. I am a person who learns and grows. I am a person who still feels shitty on the harm I have caused knowingly and all of the harm that I contribute in our systems of this world who keep others down. By existing I cause harm. By existing I can also being tremendous light, love, and connection into this world. Being a human being is complicated. If perhaps we all start taking away the dualisms of ideas we would all start seeing ourselves as connected. As flawed. As mean. As upstanding citizens. As people who fuck up, make mistakes, can be held accountable, and still find ways to love and connect.

This summer was the first time I felt hate for myself since I was 10 years old. This hate came from online harassment from a lot of men. They wanted to give me their two cents on how I look, how I present as a human, and how I stand up for non-violence. While it was fucking intense to hear/see/digest their meanings (which I really wish I had all of my amazing self care skills to help me at those moments) I can also empathize with these men who are angry, hurt, misled, confused and their only way to deal with those feelings is to attack me. It is super not okay, AND I could remember all those years ago when I was hurt and how I hurt others. These men folk need love. They need to unwind from the shit systems that keep their behaviour there, hurting others. They need to be in loving community, have places/spaces/teachers to hold them with love, compassion, accountability, and growth. This will help stop this absurd cycles of harm we are all trapped in. There are ways out, and we can all do our part to be humble in our next steps. We need everyone to do this work. We need everyone.

With all my intrinsic love,

Tanille Geib

I was a young punk who thought for herself and told people all about my thoughts. I was a young goodie-goodie who was very smart and I wanted to be recognized as such. Punk meets goodie-goodie, both at the same time.

I was a math genius by grade two. I was excited by numbers and how they could tell us stories about physical aspects in our world. I always was tutoring my classmates on basic math skills. By the time grade four came around I was practicing grade seven math for fun, basically without any instruction from adults. In middle school I would automatically come to answers through my own way of thinking. I had a hard time "showing" my work but I needed to show the teacher I understood concepts. Eventually all of my math teachers would allow my way of working because I could articulate how my thought process worked. 

But let's go back for a moment. I believe it was in grade four, we had a substitute teacher in for a week. We were learning about how to treat decimal points based on 10 to the power of 2, 3, 4, -2, -3, -4 rules. I distinctively remember that at one point in the lesson the sub was teaching us wrong decimal points. I put up my hand in panic and I told her that she was doing it wrong. She fought me, clearly, because how could a young 8 year old be right over a teacher? She persisted and so did I. I even went up to the chalk board with vigor and I wrote up the correct method of how to figure out decimals. I was very concerned for my classmates and our collective learning. She then sent me to the principal's office for being so defiant and disrespectful. I went to the office, and yet again with intensity, explained that the substitute was teaching us incorrect information. The principal then came to our class and asked to see the two methods. The teacher's and mine. The principal then corrected the teacher and affirmed that I was right. While most of my fellow classmates didn't really care either way, I did. I was passionate about math, and I didn't want all of us learning wrong techniques. I am not sure how the rest of the week went or how the teacher reacted but I remember that I was proud of myself to stand up for what I knew as truth. 

Since then, I have stood up to teachers, employers, and peers when I truly believe that something is wrong and that perhaps, my way of critically thinking would benefit situations, policies, and relationships. Whether it be behavior, knowledge, practice, or speech, I am passionate about challenging what media, academia, politics, tradition, heteronormativity, patriarchy, and colonialism stuffs down our throats as truth. When I have a truth bubbling inside myself, I try to express it and show folks other ways of thought processing or truth. This is not always met with acceptance and sometimes I don't have a "higher" person of authority to back me up on my knowledge like I did in elementary. Sometimes it is just me and my beliefs standing there waving in the wind. I hope I always have the human right to think for myself, to express myself, and to challenge authority for a brighter future for us all.

I invite you all to critically think about your inner truth and share it with folks in the world. We need more of that right now! I don't want people to stop thinking for themselves. Question authority, question policies, question normative belief systems, question your own integrity. Stand up for others, yourself, and collective human life. 

Maybe one day I will get back to a math practice, but for now, I choose to be obsessed with all the colours of the rainbow and all facets of human sexuality. Hoping that we all can be comfortable in ourselves as happy sexual beings that are safe and loved.

With loving intrinsic truth,

Tanille Geib

When I was 14 years old, I heard on the radio, that there would be a model search for plus size models at a local hotel in Calgary. I made my mom drive me to the search. I remember to this day what I was wearing. I wore long dark-denim flare jeans and a tight-fitting crimson coloured long sleeved shirt with stencil-like floral design on the the wrists. I felt amazing. I knew that I looked good and I knew that I would be noticed from my appearance and my energy. I was right! I met with three scouts and I was picked to stay for the next session. There, for the first time in my life, I saw amazing women stand up and chat about their experiences as an unconventional body types in media, modelling, and society. I was completely inspired by their stories, and I knew that I would like to be a part of this structure in society. After the presentation, I went to the next round of interviews. I felt so excited! I wanted to share my passion about my body image love and I knew I had the "talent" to be a model. After the interviews, I passed the final cut. At the end of the day, I was invited to go to San Francisco to a convention for plus sized models where I would get promo shots done, be able to have training in posing and walking, and I would be able to get an agent. After the day, my mom came to pick me up, and with my heart fluttering I told her about my day. But I quickly realized that I wouldn't be able to go to San Fran to follow this dream of mine because of financial constraints and lack of support. So, I focused on my other talents of writing, drama, math and sciences for the remainder of my school years.

After high school I started researching models and photographers that represented body positivity and unconventional stunning views of people I could look up to. I was very conscious of what media I watched and I digested, not to be forced into hating myself because media said I should. I kept diligent in my self worth and thoughts.

I started collaborating with friends who were photographers. This was my start on playing with concepts, expression, beauty and gaze. It wasn't until I met and worked with my art partner Chena San Martin that I expanded my desires of being a model and an erotic artist. When we worked on my book Love & Cooking, I felt like a magical human! I felt loved. I felt expressed. I felt desired. I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt cherished. This is what a good pairing of photographer and artist/model can do for you. You can feel so vividly alive! I felt honoured to be creating a book/media that other humans could look at and say... "Wow, that looks like me!" When previously they haven't seen their body represented in mass media before.

Since Chena moved back to Mexico almost 4 years ago, I haven't quite found that perfect match to create with photos with. So this year, I started a daily self portrait series of my own called, My Gaze. While I am only on day 92, this project has been so beautiful, intense, inspiring, and nourishing. I am connecting to myself with romance, care, and my tarnished heart. I find this practice, whether I spend 4 mins on a shoot or 2 hours on a shoot per day, I feel like this these are amazing self care moments captured. I feel like my 14 year old self accomplishing my goals, desires and passions. I am confident and I am ready to be a model.  

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille Geib

About three weeks ago I went to an important workshop about Anger, Boundaries, and Safety. And did I ever learn a lot about myself in those two days, surrounding by caring, stunning individuals. 

Out of this workshop I wanted to play with some of my current anger that I had been dealing with in my relationships from this past year. And seeing what anger expression could look like for me?. How does it feel? How could I be responsible and express it? One of the safe places in my life has always been through my artistic expression. And proven yet again, this is a healthy, rewarding, juicy way of expression. 

I will start by saying, I am fucking angry. I am angry at myself. And I am angry that I fail somewhere in my self boundaries that I accept abuse, selfishness, and carelessness from my partners. Here is some art I created to express the icky side of this human condition. Swinging back and forth between sweet and salty, hard and soft, abuse and love, black and white.

I will not apologize for my anger. I will not be polite. I will not apologize if this isn't what you were expecting. I will not sugar coat this. I will not show up for this kind of treatment. I will not stand by and wait for this to happen again. 

Intrinsically in Love,

Tanille 

Tomorrow morning I will celebrate my 60th day of pleasure practice. It has truly been a pleasure. A pleasure unexpected. A pleasure noticed. A pleasure welcomed. 

In this moment I am listening to my favourite band, Sigur Ros by a candle lit pleasure corner I created in my brand new space. Faces, colours, dreams, realities, all nourishing, all mine in this little corner of self. Deep inhales are present. Fresh ginger and vanilla tea steeped perfectly. A sense of inner love blossoming. 

On this pleasure practice journey it has been important for me to be sober, free of any substances that filter my experience. Now, most of you who know me, since I was young I have not been into drinking or drugs heavily or if any at all. And it is interesting how much of self is wrapped into this identity I have created around that notion for years. And while I have never had an addiction to any alcohol or drugs, I found that any use of these items have hindered my connection to myself and to others, especially in the beginning months of 2016. And that if I am on a journey of pleasure I want to come forward with my true self in every moment possible. So that I can be epically aware of how my body, mind, and heart feel in each moment and maybe even share that with others. But perhaps there is more to this, than just that rewarding observation. Being "sober" or having that identity close to my heart all these years has helped me in the past week figure out some clearer identities that link me closer to who "Tanille" believes who she is and acts as. 

I really really really like being sober! I always have liked just being me. And I usually have enough energy to last for days and hours and then more moments. My base level of happiness and energy is rather high. For example, last night I went out dancing to five different talented musicians in different locations all around Victoria. It was extremely pleasurable. My body moved vibrantly and vividly. I left nothing inside of me, I shared it with the sound waves, the moving humans, the bright smiles. At the last bar we went to I had a sobering thought, "I am so fucking happy!" While this is great and all, I looked around the crowded bar of my happiness and I realized that perhaps I was one of the only ones to be this happy and sober. Then crept in this little morsel of loneliness. And this is the rub. I continued to have my sober, happy adventure of course, but my heart felt a little solo and I yearned for others to connect with me in this way. As I was biking home with my friend, sweat, happiness, and droplets of rain, we had a conversation about these thoughts. How people in my life all use different things/substances to get to "Tanille's" level of energy. And all I felt and said is, "I just want the genuine version of themselves, I don't need everyone to be on my level of energy. I will honour them just as they are, just as my hope as they would honour me in where I am."

Still to this day on most occasions, I am everyone's "DD" or  "Mama Tanille" providing support at parties for drunkenness and emotions. I like being sober and helpful. There is this sense of connection I find from this role. I really like being responsible for myself and others. I also really like being in control of myself and situations. So, isn't this a little perfect party where I get to be happier in my sober state and still connect with people? Well, yes in some ways, but I think there is a limit to it and maybe an unhealthy response on my end. Maybe in my sober self I still am addicted to the "yay, I am fixing it" feeling. I also still feel a little lonely because I am not participating fully in their experience, and they rarely participate in mine. And then it begs another question, which over the years many of my friends have asked me, "Tanille, why don't you let loose or lose control once in a while?" And not to say that I haven't in the systematic way of substance use, because I have, but it just doesn't feel great. I feel stupid for the most part. I feel unsafe. I feel like it is harder to connect to people. Like there is this glossy film I can't seem to run my hands through. So why would I continue to explore those feelings of unsafe and disconnection? 

With this new awareness around my pleasure practice including many facets of why I choose to be sober I am thankful to learn about myself and all my identities that hinder and help me, be me. 

Intrinsically in love,

Tanille

Oh hello! 

A few people have been wondering about my practicing pleasure this summer, so I thought I would blog a bit about it. 

Since July 18th, 2016 I have only acted in pleasure. That seems quite radical, doesn't it? And frankly impossible sounding... Well if anything, it has definitely been a vivid journey on learning about myself. My dislikes, pleasures, needs, and habits. I have been noticing my thought patterns, the way I interact within my relationships (friendships, family connections, and romantic ones too), and how I can change my context to support all of my feelings and actions within pleasure. Or just simply celebrate the fact I deserve more pleasure in life. 

So, first things first, what is pleasure to me? This itself has been an interesting journey. What is my true honest pleasures? What does Tanille find pleasurable? It started by looking at my basic needs in life. It started with living on my own for 5 weeks to figure out my habits and then ask the questions on how are these current habits supporting my pleasure? For example, my sleeping habits. For years I have not had any set sleeping schedules. I usually love being up late. This is a time where I can be creative while most of the world is resting. I love cycling late at night. I love exploring human connections at night. Now, here I was, on my own for 5 weeks to cultivate an honest, pleasurable way of sleeping, just for me. I started going to bed at 11 pm and waking up each morning at 7 am. This is very strange to me. Very foreign. But within days of this sleep schedule I noticed that my pleasure of sleeping was more consistent. It was nice to have a clear body system to be figured out. This new habit also allowed myself to find pleasure in my waking hours too! So now, take this idea of finding out true honest pleasure and apply it to all aspects of your life. Really get down to the bare skin. The uncomfortable. The already made up "pleasures" we have in our habits. Like what we eat, if we drink alcohol, how we connect with our loved ones? Everything we do... ask "Is this providing pleasure to me?" 

Within minutes of being around young humans, we can see their pleasure ooze all over. Like that we are all meant to act always and truly in pleasure. For example, when a kid is hungry, they will eat, because it brings them honest pleasure. Young humans will always want to play, learn and be curious in every moment. Then something happens... we start teaching them something else about pleasure. That pleasure is only acceptable if we have really earned it. We teach them that pleasure is frivolous. That pleasure can lead to bad, bad consequences. When I speak of pleasure, I am not talking about having the pleasure of drinking our faces off because we feel like it. I am talking about our genuine pleasure of being sober while learning what truly makes us happy, comfortable, curious, and engaged. A bottle of wine might makes us feel pleasure during one night, but it is hard on our bodies, and long term it doesn't forward our healthy pleasure stories. So, what would our young human selves seek in life if we acted in pleasure?

Another thing about this pleasure way of being... Doing the "have to's" in life, for example, like paying our bills can feel limiting. If we shift our context of "have to's" in life to pleasurable outcomes, we might find more satisfaction in our to do lists. I hate paying my phone bill. I always have hated it. Since I was 15 years old, I have grunted and moaned about paying so much for my cellular device. 46 days ago, I shifted my context around paying this dreaded bill. I now find pleasure paying this bill because I have realized how much joy and happiness I get from being able to connect to the people I love the most through this technology. So, pleasure abounds when we shift our context.

Now, you are still probably thinking, "What the hell Tanille, this is still too radical for me." Well, it is, but it is also worth a chance. I am still learning everyday on what my pleasures feel and look like. But I do know this, since my first day until now, I am more intimately connected to my true self, therefore able to connect with my world, my community, and my relationships a whole lot clearer and more powerfully. This has been a magical journey and I intend on continuing. 

These are just some of the things I have been doing, I will continue to share thoughts, feelings, and doings as I continue. 

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille 

This week in our FITS program with Robyn Unwin, we practiced interviews while getting to know all the gear for filming. And a quick editing session! Enjoy!

Simply put, creating theatre and learning about healthy sexuality have lit up my world, therein have impacted the world that I live, breath, and interact in daily. The more I delve in to both of these passions and share them with others, the more I change the world for the better... in my empowered opinion. 

Biking home this evening from Crazy for You, a Musical theatre show that most of my students have been working on for the whole year, I was crying from tears of joy. Seriously, just sobbing, dripping down my cheeks. These students are my new heroes. I am also my own hero. We are all fucking heroes! I am a person who has created these amazing connections with these humans and I was privileged enough to share in their moments tonight and everyday since I met them. I am proud of who I am that they are vulnerable to me. I am astonished how vulnerable they are to me. I am proud of who I am that they are excited for me to see their glory in the lights. That it means something to us all. I am proud of these young heroes that are tackling this society through their humanness on stage and off stage. I get to not only see there shiny smiles singing a song on stage, I get to hear their burning questions on healthy consent. I get to hear their voices sing songs about love and I get to see their stresses when one of their peers are hurting from an abusive relationship. I get to be a part it all! All of the human. All of the joy. All of the sorrow. All.  

Why do you go see theatre? Or if you are lucky enough to be a practitioner of theatre, what makes you smile during the process? Why on opening night, there is nothing more important in the world? How did these words light up our world? We are all actively partaking in roles where we explore the human condition, human connection. We are basking in the conversations that need to be had. The moments that need to be laughed through. The situations that need to be critically thought about. All of this in a relatively safe space. The theatre is a place where people from all walks of life come together for a moment that will only exist in that moment. Each performance is unique and alive. It is breathing human meditation, together. Someone (most likely me) will laugh with exuberance in a moment that will never be the same again. Someone could cry at only a line they understand in a certain story, a certain way. This creates magic between us all. A bond rarely achieved in a public safe space, together. This can heal the world. Whatever side we are on, the audience or the stage, we can heal each other. One performance at a time. 

I am drenched in your happiness. Because it is mine too.

Now, onto the healthy sexuality portion. Healthy human sexuality can save the world! Since constantly researching human sexuality and expressing my erotic self for the past eight years, this passion has thrown the relationship with myself, my relationship with others and my community for a new, vast, exciting loop! I am not just talking about "safer sex", I am talking about the entire complexity of human sexuality. I am talking about vulnerability. I am talking about self pleasure. I am talking about body image. I am talking about media literacy. I am talking about everything. And I want you all to join the conversation. In my program, Healthy Humans, critical thinking for positive living (the one I am currently teaching in Victoria), we tackle all the topics of being a human, being a healthy sexual human. A healthy sexual human that connects and relates with other healthy sexual humans.

Everything we do in this world contains our sexual selves. We clothe ourselves to foster connection. We shake our booty to express our desires. We write an essay to showcase our intelligence. We find hobbies, passions, interests to enrich our existence. Wouldn't it be fucking cool if we all had a stunning understanding of who we really were, how we really presented ourselves, what media we had to critically think about, and why we needed closeness to others? Now... maybe we all think we have this figured out or at least it is not a burning question in our hearts or bodies. There is indeed a guideline presented to us, perhaps even shoved down our throats since birth, that could get us to one understanding of healthy human sexuality. But one understanding of sexuality doesn't cut it for seven billion humans. So there in lies my passion. I want to see seven billion ways of desire, connection, sexuality, expression. If we can truly have a healthy understanding of ourselves, then share that with others, wouldn't this world heal? Wouldn't we share our abundance? Wouldn't we lift each other up? Wouldn't we be shoulders to cry on? Wouldn't we see ourselves in others?  

Now, let's throw these two passions together. Voila! Here we go! It is happening! My whole world is charged, changed, challenged, and yes, even healing. I truly hope I can support others in their journey of healing. Will you walk forward with me?

Intrinsically in Love,

Tanille 

Captured 7 years ago by Craig Groza. 

For three years, I have been battling a multitude of negative forces both within myself and outside of myself. Situations, jobs, unhealthy relationships, and learning how to stand up for myself. And while I am not at the completed "Healed" version of myself, I have taken huge steps forward since December 2015, which felt like my darkest month in my young 29 years of life. A journey of healing. A journey of honest communication with myself and then transferring that honesty to others whom are important to my life. I have cut out bad relationships. I have gone back to the basics of self care. Of making sure that my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self is breathing and intact. I had to ask for real, genuine help from my friends and family, and then actually learn how to receive that help. 

I was in the hospital on Christmas day for 6.5 hours trying to figure out why my body was in severe pain and paralysis. This has been an reoccurring issue, violently hurting me for about 1.5 years now. It starts with crazy intense back pain, and the toxins flow all down my legs ending at my toes. I have been to the hospital four times in the past year. And mostly coming home with morphine to ease the pain but with no medical answers on my vicious state of pain. 

On December 27, 2015 I was scared for my life. I was alone. I couldn't move. I was in pain. Like I have never felt before. And I have a high pain tolerance. But there was something going on in this distracted version of reality for myself. In the darkest hour, I felt a need to write. Not my typical writing a poem, or a play, or a blog. I decided that I wanted to live. I wanted to end the harm that I was inflicting on myself by being in an abusive relationship for years. I wanted to breath in sunshine through the wind on a warm day bicycling around the sea wall again. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to share myself with others. I wanted to live. Again. The way Tanille knew how to best. I luckily had my note book of to do's beside my bed as I couldn't leave from my paralyzed state. I needed to remind myself of all the things that consisted in my heart. I needed to write a list on my state of human. That makes me Tanille. A list to reflect my reality on a good damn day. And a list that didn't have to do with any morsel or molecule that included my ex-partner.

The list I wrote was labeled, "I am happiest when..." I am honored to share this list with you. While it is not complete, and it will ever-evolve, this best describes me. Truly and clearly. Honestly and creatively. The joys, the constants, the revolutions. 

I am happiest when:

I feel connected to my friends and family.

I put on art events and bring community together.

I have a forwarding career.

I practice yoga.

I drink tea, and share it with others.

I go to art shows, music, and theatre.

I cook food at home and share it with people.

I bicycle.

I am surrounded by the colour pink.

I have a primary relationship or I am single.

I can pay my bills.

I communicate in honesty.

I support a friend who asks for help.

I pose/create for a nude photoshoot.

I play ultimate frisbee.

I’m inspired to write and I make time for it.

I paint cocks.

I dance. H-core.

I manage a team of people.

I teach self love practices.

I truly listen to someone else.

I have multiple orgasms with a partner.

I hug and snuggle my friends.

I learn something new about myself or the world.

I contribute to something inspiring.

I am able bodied.

I am sober and free of any addictions or distractions from myself or others around me.

I am in nature.

I talk on the phone with long distance friends.

I feel like I am a positive influence in other people’s lives.

I have time to notice the subtleties of the human condition.

I believe that anything is possible in life.

I am happiest when I show up as me. Tanille.

It has been 3 months since I have wrote this list. It might have just been the most important list I have ever wrote. I have read it daily. I have done something on it daily out of pleasure not pressure. While I am no where in the clear of being a fully happy, healed, functioning Tanille without some sort of daily hurt or pain, I feel like I am on a journey to myself. 

I definitely feel blessed that I have my list, my support people, and lastly and importantly I have myself. 

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille 

photo by: Kurtis Stewart Photography

When I was seven years old, I went on a rampage of kissing. Yes, at seven years old. And it continued until I was about eleven years old. Between my best friend and I, I think we kissed all the boys in our elementary within a two grade radius. I also know that we kissed some of the same boys. I wonder how the boys felt about that?

Why did I kiss all these boys? And why did I suddenly stop? I’m not too sure, but I do know it felt nice when I kissed them and I stopped because I wanted to.  It is funny to think back on how I was most boys’ first kiss. I remember one moment very well. I was “dating” a fella in my sixth grade class for a couple weeks and we decided we would go on a double date with my bestie and her boyfriend. We went to see Les Mis in theatres, and to our surprise there were only six others in the entire theatre. We all sat next to each other. I remember her and I discussing before the movie, if we wanted to kiss our boyfriend’s or not. I sure did! She wasn’t so sure. So, there we were, young hearted and watching a long movie that I didn’t quite understand at that age. Somewhere in between men fighting on screen, Michael and I went for the kiss. I’m foggy on the memory of the actual kiss. Was it gushy and vibrant? Was it closed and cute? Was it long or short? I’m not too sure. Maybe he could remember if I asked him over Facebook. Hmmm… Anyways, what I do remember was him leaning back in the oversized chair after we had kissed and he said out loud “Wow.”

So, when I was in my younger days, I kissed all the boys. All the time. And I did some pretty shitty things too. I think I hurt a lot of boys’ feelings. I also think back, “Wow, I was pretty out going.” I think I initiated most kisses.

Then I stopped. I didn’t date during junior high or high school, or even after high school. And I sure didn’t kiss many boys, or guys, or men. I started developing more feelings for guys. I started getting to know them, and getting to know me in relation to them. I started to learn about what I liked in friendships and within myself. I had LOTS of crushes. My bestie can comment on that. I stopped kissing and started loving. And then I was confused about this whole kissing thing.

In high school I was popular and a goody goody. I was usually at all the parties, but I definitely took on a care giver approach. I would be the DD, or the person who started to clean up. I would talk to my friends about their crushes and supported the drama that ensued. I was an observer. Yes, there was the odd time where I made out with a guy, but it was only in that instance, and I didn’t want anything more. The only time I really drank under age was when I was partying with mature friends I met at Staples, but I never kissed any of them; although, I definitely wanted to.

I’m lucky that I always felt in control of whom I’ve kissed. I’ve always been comfortable and I have never felt pressured. If a guy ever tried with me and I didn’t feel like it, I said no. And they listened. Perhaps it was of the confidence I gained in a self-defense course, or the awesome chats my mom had with me as a youngster. But when I say no, I usually have a “don’t fuck with me” look in my eyes.

By the time I was interested in having sex, I was so particular with whom I was kissing this translated to my particular desires when it came to whom I would loose my virginity to.

Now, fast forward to present day Tanille. I am an openly sexual person. I support others in being sex positive. I understand my pleasure self and I share that with others. I have multiple partners. I read about sex daily. I go to sex clubs. People coin me as a “bubbly sex goddess”. I am an erotic artist and writer. And yes, I gratefully and respectfully accept these parts of who I am. I don’t have any shame around my actions, desires, or thoughts. But I am still picky when it comes to whom I kiss. Or whom I spend my time with romantically. Or whom I have sex with. Very picky. And while I have developed a very submissive side to me, and I’m not making the first move on people like I did when I was seven years old, I’m very good at saying yes and saying no when I want to. Allowing someone to kiss me takes me getting to know them. Whether it is an intense moment where we talk about philosophy, or gender, or anything really. I want to get a glimpse of your soul first before we converse through kissing. I want to have the feeling, “I need to be closer to you. Your face. Your lips.”

This Saturday I was at a house party and there were many new individuals that I have never met. My friend and I kept on noticing all the cuties in the room. We were laughing, giggling. All the fun stuff. By then end of the night she was lip locked with a certain gentleman. Because she had planned to crash at my house, I invited them both along to crash at my house, so they could further there kissing connection. As we were leaving another guy mentioned that he could come over too. I said that the “House of Love” (the collective house that I live in) welcomes anyone. I think that he meant I am welcoming him to hit on me. To kiss me. To fuck me. But I wasn’t. And even though he tried; quite flattering and wonderfully, I said no. I explained that I was in multiple open relationships and I was just not interested in exploring more intimacy at this hour, I set him up on the couch for sleeping. And yes, I felt his disappointment. And yes, maybe just kissing him would have felt nice. But I just didn’t feel like it. And that is okay. So as the two other kissing friends went to bed, I went to bed alone and happily.

And at brunch the next day, I talked about the previous night. My friends, were like, “So, did you kiss him?” and I said, “No, I didn’t.” We don’t have to kiss everyone. And we certainly don’t have to sleep with everyone. Ask yourself, whom do you kiss? And why? Is it because you are horny and feel like it? Do it! Is it because you have a huge crush on that person? Do it! Kiss away. Is it because you wake up daily to the person you adore? Do it! But don’t kiss anyone you don’t want to kiss, just because it is an option. 

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille 

Along my way to becoming me, Tanille, in this moment (one who is pictured nude occasionally) has been asked today, "If you are so passionate about helping people in that way, why do you have to do it with your clothes off?" This is from a person that is worried about my future, and that because I am an erotic artist, community sexuality activist, and teacher, that in these methods of helping the world, that I am destroying my future employment and the future of my unborn children by being nude in photos.

Really? While I won't attack the reason that this person is worried for my well being, these concerns of mine don't exist. So, yes, I won't be able to work at certain places in mainstream society because I have decided to focus my art, work, and life around healthy human sexuality. But isn't that the reason I should be fighting this fight? I am a wonderful hardworking person and just because I have some chosen nude photographs of myself on the internet or in my book, shouldn't I also be allowed to apply my skills as a human in anyway for society if I am actually qualified for that position? I think so. And this is why I will continue to act and practice as this is the way the world is, because you know, that is the way I wish the world was. And, yes, I will probably at some point have really interesting, hard, and in depth conversations with my unborn children at many times in their life. But won't it be totally awesome to have a mom who doesn't act or feel shame around their body and sexuality? Won't that be a more positive impact rather than a negative one? If I start talking to them about the need of self pleasure, consent, and positive sexuality at early ages, won't that help prepare them to have conversations with friends, family, and chosen partners one day? I truly believe so. 

Now, to answer the question,  "If you are so passionate about helping people in that way, why do you have to do it with your clothes off?"

photo by: Chena San Martin

Well, there isn't just one answer. There isn't just, "Oh, I decided to get nude in front of a camera one night." No, these decisions to continually be expressive in the nude in front of a camera is a well thought out and felt out decision. Here are some of the reasons, I MUST take off my clothes in order to be myself and help people.

1) I love my body. I have no shame around my body. I am an "unconventional" body and I want to share that love with people so perhaps they too can see themselves within me, and be more comfortable in their own bodies.

2) It is political. I chose to do it. Yes, I am female and I made the choice for myself to express myself this way artistically.  And I really enjoy it. I have political body hair choices too. Armpit hair, leg hair, and yes, pubic hair. I feel the most beautiful when I am hairy and natural.  I want to challenge the media norms around body hair. I do not support photo-shopping my body. While my art partner does Photoshop images (say for example replicating thousands of Brussels Sprouts), I am clear that I don't want my shape edited. I don't want my colouring edited. Although, I did get in shit for having a sunburn one photo-shoot. Haha... But, burn and all, it went into the photos. Because this is who I am and I want an un-edited version of myself everywhere. 

3) One of the best ways to help people feel comfortable around me is to be vulnerable first. I want to be vulnerable to you all. I want to share my outside looks and inside feels so that we have a better chance to connect with one another. It has proven time and time again to be successful. 

4) I am a nudist. If you get to spend any real time around me, either socially at wreck breach or as an intimate lover, most people would notice that I am happier and I more comfortable when I am nude. I feel joy and free when I am naked. Why else would I think up of an idea for a nude yoga photo shoot for myself? Not many humans, let alone woman who are "unconventional looking" would ever want to see and feel their body naked in yoga shapes. I do. 

5) It is fun! Being nude and getting photographed how you desire is fucking fun! Have you done a boudoir shoot before? Well, I highly recommend it. 

Yes, I can help people with their sexual health with keeping my clothes on, but for the 5 reasons listed above and all the other thousands of meanings behind photos, I say that I help people more with my clothes off. Wouldn't you agree?

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille