Tanille Geib

Lover of Humans

4 Masculinities, One Tanille NSFW

About three weeks ago I went to an important workshop about Anger, Boundaries, and Safety. And did I ever learn a lot about myself in those two days, surrounding by caring, stunning individuals. 

Out of this workshop I wanted to play with some of my current anger that I had been dealing with in my relationships from this past year. And seeing what anger expression could look like for me?. How does it feel? How could I be responsible and express it? One of the safe places in my life has always been through my artistic expression. And proven yet again, this is a healthy, rewarding, juicy way of expression. 

I will start by saying, I am fucking angry. I am angry at myself. And I am angry that I fail somewhere in my self boundaries that I accept abuse, selfishness, and carelessness from my partners. Here is some art I created to express the icky side of this human condition. Swinging back and forth between sweet and salty, hard and soft, abuse and love, black and white.

I will not apologize for my anger. I will not be polite. I will not apologize if this isn't what you were expecting. I will not sugar coat this. I will not show up for this kind of treatment. I will not stand by and wait for this to happen again. 

Intrinsically in Love,

Tanille 

Sobering Identity

Tomorrow morning I will celebrate my 60th day of pleasure practice. It has truly been a pleasure. A pleasure unexpected. A pleasure noticed. A pleasure welcomed. 

In this moment I am listening to my favourite band, Sigur Ros by a candle lit pleasure corner I created in my brand new space. Faces, colours, dreams, realities, all nourishing, all mine in this little corner of self. Deep inhales are present. Fresh ginger and vanilla tea steeped perfectly. A sense of inner love blossoming. 

On this pleasure practice journey it has been important for me to be sober, free of any substances that filter my experience. Now, most of you who know me, since I was young I have not been into drinking or drugs heavily or if any at all. And it is interesting how much of self is wrapped into this identity I have created around that notion for years. And while I have never had an addiction to any alcohol or drugs, I found that any use of these items have hindered my connection to myself and to others, especially in the beginning months of 2016. And that if I am on a journey of pleasure I want to come forward with my true self in every moment possible. So that I can be epically aware of how my body, mind, and heart feel in each moment and maybe even share that with others. But perhaps there is more to this, than just that rewarding observation. Being "sober" or having that identity close to my heart all these years has helped me in the past week figure out some clearer identities that link me closer to who "Tanille" believes who she is and acts as. 

I really really really like being sober! I always have liked just being me. And I usually have enough energy to last for days and hours and then more moments. My base level of happiness and energy is rather high. For example, last night I went out dancing to five different talented musicians in different locations all around Victoria. It was extremely pleasurable. My body moved vibrantly and vividly. I left nothing inside of me, I shared it with the sound waves, the moving humans, the bright smiles. At the last bar we went to I had a sobering thought, "I am so fucking happy!" While this is great and all, I looked around the crowded bar of my happiness and I realized that perhaps I was one of the only ones to be this happy and sober. Then crept in this little morsel of loneliness. And this is the rub. I continued to have my sober, happy adventure of course, but my heart felt a little solo and I yearned for others to connect with me in this way. As I was biking home with my friend, sweat, happiness, and droplets of rain, we had a conversation about these thoughts. How people in my life all use different things/substances to get to "Tanille's" level of energy. And all I felt and said is, "I just want the genuine version of themselves, I don't need everyone to be on my level of energy. I will honour them just as they are, just as my hope as they would honour me in where I am."

Still to this day on most occasions, I am everyone's "DD" or  "Mama Tanille" providing support at parties for drunkenness and emotions. I like being sober and helpful. There is this sense of connection I find from this role. I really like being responsible for myself and others. I also really like being in control of myself and situations. So, isn't this a little perfect party where I get to be happier in my sober state and still connect with people? Well, yes in some ways, but I think there is a limit to it and maybe an unhealthy response on my end. Maybe in my sober self I still am addicted to the "yay, I am fixing it" feeling. I also still feel a little lonely because I am not participating fully in their experience, and they rarely participate in mine. And then it begs another question, which over the years many of my friends have asked me, "Tanille, why don't you let loose or lose control once in a while?" And not to say that I haven't in the systematic way of substance use, because I have, but it just doesn't feel great. I feel stupid for the most part. I feel unsafe. I feel like it is harder to connect to people. Like there is this glossy film I can't seem to run my hands through. So why would I continue to explore those feelings of unsafe and disconnection? 

With this new awareness around my pleasure practice including many facets of why I choose to be sober I am thankful to learn about myself and all my identities that hinder and help me, be me. 

Intrinsically in love,

Tanille

 

 

 

My 46th Day of Pleasure

Oh hello! 

A few people have been wondering about my practicing pleasure this summer, so I thought I would blog a bit about it. 

Since July 18th, 2016 I have only acted in pleasure. That seems quite radical, doesn't it? And frankly impossible sounding... Well if anything, it has definitely been a vivid journey on learning about myself. My dislikes, pleasures, needs, and habits. I have been noticing my thought patterns, the way I interact within my relationships (friendships, family connections, and romantic ones too), and how I can change my context to support all of my feelings and actions within pleasure. Or just simply celebrate the fact I deserve more pleasure in life. 

So, first things first, what is pleasure to me? This itself has been an interesting journey. What is my true honest pleasures? What does Tanille find pleasurable? It started by looking at my basic needs in life. It started with living on my own for 5 weeks to figure out my habits and then ask the questions on how are these current habits supporting my pleasure? For example, my sleeping habits. For years I have not had any set sleeping schedules. I usually love being up late. This is a time where I can be creative while most of the world is resting. I love cycling late at night. I love exploring human connections at night. Now, here I was, on my own for 5 weeks to cultivate an honest, pleasurable way of sleeping, just for me. I started going to bed at 11 pm and waking up each morning at 7 am. This is very strange to me. Very foreign. But within days of this sleep schedule I noticed that my pleasure of sleeping was more consistent. It was nice to have a clear body system to be figured out. This new habit also allowed myself to find pleasure in my waking hours too! So now, take this idea of finding out true honest pleasure and apply it to all aspects of your life. Really get down to the bare skin. The uncomfortable. The already made up "pleasures" we have in our habits. Like what we eat, if we drink alcohol, how we connect with our loved ones? Everything we do... ask "Is this providing pleasure to me?" 

Within minutes of being around young humans, we can see their pleasure ooze all over. Like that we are all meant to act always and truly in pleasure. For example, when a kid is hungry, they will eat, because it brings them honest pleasure. Young humans will always want to play, learn and be curious in every moment. Then something happens... we start teaching them something else about pleasure. That pleasure is only acceptable if we have really earned it. We teach them that pleasure is frivolous. That pleasure can lead to bad, bad consequences. When I speak of pleasure, I am not talking about having the pleasure of drinking our faces off because we feel like it. I am talking about our genuine pleasure of being sober while learning what truly makes us happy, comfortable, curious, and engaged. A bottle of wine might makes us feel pleasure during one night, but it is hard on our bodies, and long term it doesn't forward our healthy pleasure stories. So, what would our young human selves seek in life if we acted in pleasure?

Another thing about this pleasure way of being... Doing the "have to's" in life, for example, like paying our bills can feel limiting. If we shift our context of "have to's" in life to pleasurable outcomes, we might find more satisfaction in our to do lists. I hate paying my phone bill. I always have hated it. Since I was 15 years old, I have grunted and moaned about paying so much for my cellular device. 46 days ago, I shifted my context around paying this dreaded bill. I now find pleasure paying this bill because I have realized how much joy and happiness I get from being able to connect to the people I love the most through this technology. So, pleasure abounds when we shift our context.

Now, you are still probably thinking, "What the hell Tanille, this is still too radical for me." Well, it is, but it is also worth a chance. I am still learning everyday on what my pleasures feel and look like. But I do know this, since my first day until now, I am more intimately connected to my true self, therefore able to connect with my world, my community, and my relationships a whole lot clearer and more powerfully. This has been a magical journey and I intend on continuing. 

These are just some of the things I have been doing, I will continue to share thoughts, feelings, and doings as I continue. 

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille 

 

How Theatre & Healthy Sexuality Can Heal The World

Simply put, creating theatre and learning about healthy sexuality have lit up my world, therein have impacted the world that I live, breath, and interact in daily. The more I delve in to both of these passions and share them with others, the more I change the world for the better... in my empowered opinion. 

Biking home this evening from Crazy for You, a Musical theatre show that most of my students have been working on for the whole year, I was crying from tears of joy. Seriously, just sobbing, dripping down my cheeks. These students are my new heroes. I am also my own hero. We are all fucking heroes! I am a person who has created these amazing connections with these humans and I was privileged enough to share in their moments tonight and everyday since I met them. I am proud of who I am that they are vulnerable to me. I am astonished how vulnerable they are to me. I am proud of who I am that they are excited for me to see their glory in the lights. That it means something to us all. I am proud of these young heroes that are tackling this society through their humanness on stage and off stage. I get to not only see there shiny smiles singing a song on stage, I get to hear their burning questions on healthy consent. I get to hear their voices sing songs about love and I get to see their stresses when one of their peers are hurting from an abusive relationship. I get to be a part it all! All of the human. All of the joy. All of the sorrow. All.  

Why do you go see theatre? Or if you are lucky enough to be a practitioner of theatre, what makes you smile during the process? Why on opening night, there is nothing more important in the world? How did these words light up our world? We are all actively partaking in roles where we explore the human condition, human connection. We are basking in the conversations that need to be had. The moments that need to be laughed through. The situations that need to be critically thought about. All of this in a relatively safe space. The theatre is a place where people from all walks of life come together for a moment that will only exist in that moment. Each performance is unique and alive. It is breathing human meditation, together. Someone (most likely me) will laugh with exuberance in a moment that will never be the same again. Someone could cry at only a line they understand in a certain story, a certain way. This creates magic between us all. A bond rarely achieved in a public safe space, together. This can heal the world. Whatever side we are on, the audience or the stage, we can heal each other. One performance at a time. 

I am drenched in your happiness. Because it is mine too.

Now, onto the healthy sexuality portion. Healthy human sexuality can save the world! Since constantly researching human sexuality and expressing my erotic self for the past eight years, this passion has thrown the relationship with myself, my relationship with others and my community for a new, vast, exciting loop! I am not just talking about "safer sex", I am talking about the entire complexity of human sexuality. I am talking about vulnerability. I am talking about self pleasure. I am talking about body image. I am talking about media literacy. I am talking about everything. And I want you all to join the conversation. In my program, Healthy Humans, critical thinking for positive living (the one I am currently teaching in Victoria), we tackle all the topics of being a human, being a healthy sexual human. A healthy sexual human that connects and relates with other healthy sexual humans.

Everything we do in this world contains our sexual selves. We clothe ourselves to foster connection. We shake our booty to express our desires. We write an essay to showcase our intelligence. We find hobbies, passions, interests to enrich our existence. Wouldn't it be fucking cool if we all had a stunning understanding of who we really were, how we really presented ourselves, what media we had to critically think about, and why we needed closeness to others? Now... maybe we all think we have this figured out or at least it is not a burning question in our hearts or bodies. There is indeed a guideline presented to us, perhaps even shoved down our throats since birth, that could get us to one understanding of healthy human sexuality. But one understanding of sexuality doesn't cut it for seven billion humans. So there in lies my passion. I want to see seven billion ways of desire, connection, sexuality, expression. If we can truly have a healthy understanding of ourselves, then share that with others, wouldn't this world heal? Wouldn't we share our abundance? Wouldn't we lift each other up? Wouldn't we be shoulders to cry on? Wouldn't we see ourselves in others?  

Now, let's throw these two passions together. Voila! Here we go! It is happening! My whole world is charged, changed, challenged, and yes, even healing. I truly hope I can support others in their journey of healing. Will you walk forward with me?

Intrinsically in Love,

Tanille 

Why? Why with your clothes off?

Along my way to becoming me, Tanille, in this moment (one who is pictured nude occasionally) has been asked today, "If you are so passionate about helping people in that way, why do you have to do it with your clothes off?" This is from a person that is worried about my future, and that because I am an erotic artist, community sexuality activist, and teacher, that in these methods of helping the world, that I am destroying my future employment and the future of my unborn children by being nude in photos.

Really? While I won't attack the reason that this person is worried for my well being, these concerns of mine don't exist. So, yes, I won't be able to work at certain places in mainstream society because I have decided to focus my art, work, and life around healthy human sexuality. But isn't that the reason I should be fighting this fight? I am a wonderful hardworking person and just because I have some chosen nude photographs of myself on the internet or in my book, shouldn't I also be allowed to apply my skills as a human in anyway for society if I am actually qualified for that position? I think so. And this is why I will continue to act and practice as this is the way the world is, because you know, that is the way I wish the world was. And, yes, I will probably at some point have really interesting, hard, and in depth conversations with my unborn children at many times in their life. But won't it be totally awesome to have a mom who doesn't act or feel shame around their body and sexuality? Won't that be a more positive impact rather than a negative one? If I start talking to them about the need of self pleasure, consent, and positive sexuality at early ages, won't that help prepare them to have conversations with friends, family, and chosen partners one day? I truly believe so. 

Now, to answer the question,  "If you are so passionate about helping people in that way, why do you have to do it with your clothes off?"

photo by: Chena San Martin

Well, there isn't just one answer. There isn't just, "Oh, I decided to get nude in front of a camera one night." No, these decisions to continually be expressive in the nude in front of a camera is a well thought out and felt out decision. Here are some of the reasons, I MUST take off my clothes in order to be myself and help people.

1) I love my body. I have no shame around my body. I am an "unconventional" body and I want to share that love with people so perhaps they too can see themselves within me, and be more comfortable in their own bodies.

2) It is political. I chose to do it. Yes, I am female and I made the choice for myself to express myself this way artistically.  And I really enjoy it. I have political body hair choices too. Armpit hair, leg hair, and yes, pubic hair. I feel the most beautiful when I am hairy and natural.  I want to challenge the media norms around body hair. I do not support photo-shopping my body. While my art partner does Photoshop images (say for example replicating thousands of Brussels Sprouts), I am clear that I don't want my shape edited. I don't want my colouring edited. Although, I did get in shit for having a sunburn one photo-shoot. Haha... But, burn and all, it went into the photos. Because this is who I am and I want an un-edited version of myself everywhere. 

3) One of the best ways to help people feel comfortable around me is to be vulnerable first. I want to be vulnerable to you all. I want to share my outside looks and inside feels so that we have a better chance to connect with one another. It has proven time and time again to be successful. 

4) I am a nudist. If you get to spend any real time around me, either socially at wreck breach or as an intimate lover, most people would notice that I am happier and I more comfortable when I am nude. I feel joy and free when I am naked. Why else would I think up of an idea for a nude yoga photo shoot for myself? Not many humans, let alone woman who are "unconventional looking" would ever want to see and feel their body naked in yoga shapes. I do. 

5) It is fun! Being nude and getting photographed how you desire is fucking fun! Have you done a boudoir shoot before? Well, I highly recommend it. 

Yes, I can help people with their sexual health with keeping my clothes on, but for the 5 reasons listed above and all the other thousands of meanings behind photos, I say that I help people more with my clothes off. Wouldn't you agree?

With Intrinsic Love,

Tanille