Whom do you kiss?
When I was seven years old, I went on a rampage of kissing. Yes, at seven years old. And it continued until I was about eleven years old. Between my best friend and I, I think we kissed all the boys in our elementary within a two grade radius. I also know that we kissed some of the same boys. I wonder how the boys felt about that?
Why did I kiss all these boys? And why did I suddenly stop? I’m not too sure, but I do know it felt nice when I kissed them and I stopped because I wanted to. It is funny to think back on how I was most boys’ first kiss. I remember one moment very well. I was “dating” a fella in my sixth grade class for a couple weeks and we decided we would go on a double date with my bestie and her boyfriend. We went to see Les Mis in theatres, and to our surprise there were only six others in the entire theatre. We all sat next to each other. I remember her and I discussing before the movie, if we wanted to kiss our boyfriend’s or not. I sure did! She wasn’t so sure. So, there we were, young hearted and watching a long movie that I didn’t quite understand at that age. Somewhere in between men fighting on screen, Michael and I went for the kiss. I’m foggy on the memory of the actual kiss. Was it gushy and vibrant? Was it closed and cute? Was it long or short? I’m not too sure. Maybe he could remember if I asked him over Facebook. Hmmm… Anyways, what I do remember was him leaning back in the oversized chair after we had kissed and he said out loud “Wow.”
So, when I was in my younger days, I kissed all the boys. All the time. And I did some pretty shitty things too. I think I hurt a lot of boys’ feelings. I also think back, “Wow, I was pretty out going.” I think I initiated most kisses.
Then I stopped. I didn’t date during junior high or high school, or even after high school. And I sure didn’t kiss many boys, or guys, or men. I started developing more feelings for guys. I started getting to know them, and getting to know me in relation to them. I started to learn about what I liked in friendships and within myself. I had LOTS of crushes. My bestie can comment on that. I stopped kissing and started loving. And then I was confused about this whole kissing thing.
In high school I was popular and a goody goody. I was usually at all the parties, but I definitely took on a care giver approach. I would be the DD, or the person who started to clean up. I would talk to my friends about their crushes and supported the drama that ensued. I was an observer. Yes, there was the odd time where I made out with a guy, but it was only in that instance, and I didn’t want anything more. The only time I really drank under age was when I was partying with mature friends I met at Staples, but I never kissed any of them; although, I definitely wanted to.
I’m lucky that I always felt in control of whom I’ve kissed. I’ve always been comfortable and I have never felt pressured. If a guy ever tried with me and I didn’t feel like it, I said no. And they listened. Perhaps it was of the confidence I gained in a self-defense course, or the awesome chats my mom had with me as a youngster. But when I say no, I usually have a “don’t fuck with me” look in my eyes.
By the time I was interested in having sex, I was so particular with whom I was kissing this translated to my particular desires when it came to whom I would loose my virginity to.
Now, fast forward to present day Tanille. I am an openly sexual person. I support others in being sex positive. I understand my pleasure self and I share that with others. I have multiple partners. I read about sex daily. I go to sex clubs. People coin me as a “bubbly sex goddess”. I am an erotic artist and writer. And yes, I gratefully and respectfully accept these parts of who I am. I don’t have any shame around my actions, desires, or thoughts. But I am still picky when it comes to whom I kiss. Or whom I spend my time with romantically. Or whom I have sex with. Very picky. And while I have developed a very submissive side to me, and I’m not making the first move on people like I did when I was seven years old, I’m very good at saying yes and saying no when I want to. Allowing someone to kiss me takes me getting to know them. Whether it is an intense moment where we talk about philosophy, or gender, or anything really. I want to get a glimpse of your soul first before we converse through kissing. I want to have the feeling, “I need to be closer to you. Your face. Your lips.”
This Saturday I was at a house party and there were many new individuals that I have never met. My friend and I kept on noticing all the cuties in the room. We were laughing, giggling. All the fun stuff. By then end of the night she was lip locked with a certain gentleman. Because she had planned to crash at my house, I invited them both along to crash at my house, so they could further there kissing connection. As we were leaving another guy mentioned that he could come over too. I said that the “House of Love” (the collective house that I live in) welcomes anyone. I think that he meant I am welcoming him to hit on me. To kiss me. To fuck me. But I wasn’t. And even though he tried; quite flattering and wonderfully, I said no. I explained that I was in multiple open relationships and I was just not interested in exploring more intimacy at this hour, I set him up on the couch for sleeping. And yes, I felt his disappointment. And yes, maybe just kissing him would have felt nice. But I just didn’t feel like it. And that is okay. So as the two other kissing friends went to bed, I went to bed alone and happily.
And at brunch the next day, I talked about the previous night. My friends, were like, “So, did you kiss him?” and I said, “No, I didn’t.” We don’t have to kiss everyone. And we certainly don’t have to sleep with everyone. Ask yourself, whom do you kiss? And why? Is it because you are horny and feel like it? Do it! Is it because you have a huge crush on that person? Do it! Kiss away. Is it because you wake up daily to the person you adore? Do it! But don’t kiss anyone you don’t want to kiss, just because it is an option.
With Intrinsic Love,