I am happiest when...
For three years, I have been battling a multitude of negative forces both within myself and outside of myself. Situations, jobs, unhealthy relationships, and learning how to stand up for myself. And while I am not at the completed "Healed" version of myself, I have taken huge steps forward since December 2015, which felt like my darkest month in my young 29 years of life. A journey of healing. A journey of honest communication with myself and then transferring that honesty to others whom are important to my life. I have cut out bad relationships. I have gone back to the basics of self care. Of making sure that my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self is breathing and intact. I had to ask for real, genuine help from my friends and family, and then actually learn how to receive that help.
I was in the hospital on Christmas day for 6.5 hours trying to figure out why my body was in severe pain and paralysis. This has been an reoccurring issue, violently hurting me for about 1.5 years now. It starts with crazy intense back pain, and the toxins flow all down my legs ending at my toes. I have been to the hospital four times in the past year. And mostly coming home with morphine to ease the pain but with no medical answers on my vicious state of pain.
On December 27, 2015 I was scared for my life. I was alone. I couldn't move. I was in pain. Like I have never felt before. And I have a high pain tolerance. But there was something going on in this distracted version of reality for myself. In the darkest hour, I felt a need to write. Not my typical writing a poem, or a play, or a blog. I decided that I wanted to live. I wanted to end the harm that I was inflicting on myself by being in an abusive relationship for years. I wanted to breath in sunshine through the wind on a warm day bicycling around the sea wall again. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to share myself with others. I wanted to live. Again. The way Tanille knew how to best. I luckily had my note book of to do's beside my bed as I couldn't leave from my paralyzed state. I needed to remind myself of all the things that consisted in my heart. I needed to write a list on my state of human. That makes me Tanille. A list to reflect my reality on a good damn day. And a list that didn't have to do with any morsel or molecule that included my ex-partner.
The list I wrote was labeled, "I am happiest when..." I am honored to share this list with you. While it is not complete, and it will ever-evolve, this best describes me. Truly and clearly. Honestly and creatively. The joys, the constants, the revolutions.
I am happiest when:
I feel connected to my friends and family.
I put on art events and bring community together.
I have a forwarding career.
I practice yoga.
I drink tea, and share it with others.
I go to art shows, music, and theatre.
I cook food at home and share it with people.
I am surrounded by the colour pink.
I have a primary relationship or I am single.
I can pay my bills.
I communicate in honesty.
I support a friend who asks for help.
I pose/create for a nude photoshoot.
I play ultimate frisbee.
I’m inspired to write and I make time for it.
I paint cocks.
I dance. H-core.
I manage a team of people.
I teach self love practices.
I truly listen to someone else.
I have multiple orgasms with a partner.
I hug and snuggle my friends.
I learn something new about myself or the world.
I contribute to something inspiring.
I am able bodied.
I am sober and free of any addictions or distractions from myself or others around me.
I am in nature.
I talk on the phone with long distance friends.
I feel like I am a positive influence in other people’s lives.
I have time to notice the subtleties of the human condition.
I believe that anything is possible in life.
I am happiest when I show up as me. Tanille.
It has been 3 months since I have wrote this list. It might have just been the most important list I have ever wrote. I have read it daily. I have done something on it daily out of pleasure not pressure. While I am no where in the clear of being a fully happy, healed, functioning Tanille without some sort of daily hurt or pain, I feel like I am on a journey to myself.
I definitely feel blessed that I have my list, my support people, and lastly and importantly I have myself.
With Intrinsic Love,